Stop The World I Want To Get Off
Radical Acceptance & Solidarity Forever with Côr Cochion Caerdydd (Cardiff Red Choir)
“Stop the world I want to get off.”
I said this to a friend at the start of this week, to describe the feeling I’d been having around the level of conflict, dysfunction and ‘gaaaah’ going on in the world right now. It was part of a voicenoting frenzy, and she responded with a sort of delighted amusement and seen-ness, saying that this phrase summed things up so perfectly. So I thought I’d share it here as well as a way of saying - if you are feeling this way too, I see you! We are not alone in having that feeling - it is part of our human experience, and millions/billions of others feel and have felt similarly.
On a side note: What I’ve just described - the recognition that our emotional experiences are common human experiences - that we’re not alone with them, and that there’s nothing wrong with us for having them - is one of the three core components of mindful self-compassion: Common Humanity. When we understand that our emotions are an expression of our shared human experience, it frees us from the layers of shame (‘there’s something wrong with me’), guilt (‘it’s bad of me to feel like this’ or ‘how can I feel like this when others have it worse than me?’ etc), and all manner of other distracting feelings that can compound our experience.
Recognising the common humanity in our experience can give us strength and confidence to allow our feelings to be, exactly as they are, without judging or trying to change them. Counter-intuitively, that enables us to move through the feelings. So, when we stop trying to change our feelings, we actually are more able to move through the emotions and get free of them. It’s like Carl Rogers, one of the founders of humanistic psychotherapy, famously said:
“The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.”
- Carl Rogers
Well, I’ve ended up on this topic much sooner than I expected! Let me backtrack slightly.
So, despite the many concerning things going on in the world, somehow I have been feeling much better since my request to get off the bus (i.e. the world). So I thought I’d share some reflections here, in case any of this is useful to you in moments of despair or disconnectedness.
1. Radical Acceptance & The Power Of The Pause
The Carl Rogers quote (above) leads nicely on to the idea of radical acceptance. I’ve mentioned before how incredibly impactful I’ve found this concept - particularly after going to a weekend retreat on this theme, back in May. I was reminded of its power the other day, when I - in a moment of clear thing - realised that as I came through my front door, I could benefit from a minute of just sitting. I sat down on the little stepladder in my galley kitchen and closed my eyes, aware that I had a lot of thoughts and feelings swirling round, and just paused. Almost instantaneously, I felt relief. It was like all the different parts of me that were racing around with different concerns, suddenly felt held. They had been carrying their individual sources of panic and worry, feeling frantic. As I closed my eyes and paid attention to what was going on inside me, they suddenly felt seen, cared for, and less alone.
The instantaneous relief was followed by an effort to tune in and recognise what the different feelings were, that I was feeling. I had to make a conscious effort to just notice them - see them curiously, without judgment and without trying to change them - and hear what they were telling me. I won’t go into the details here of what they were, but it really helped me to recognise my own experience. So often when we’re stressed out, we’re in the middle of doing - like paddling to stay afloat - and we can’t always see the body of water that we’re in. Being able to recognise how I was feeling, and what was causing that, was liberating. It enabled some emotional release, and helped my nervous system to calm down. Rather than rushing to fix, analyse or distract from the experience, tuning into it and accepting that it is - it exists, this is happening - created agency and freedom. Because it moved me out of a reactive mode (i.e. knee-jerk, autopilot, rushing around) into a responsive one - where I could give myself acknowledgement and compassion.
For today, I’m going to try to keep this to some shorter reflections, but I will post a longer explainer of radical acceptance soon. For now, I would recommend the work of Tara Brach. I keep in mind two phrases that I once heard in her podcast, to guide a moment of reflection:
What is going on inside me right now?
Can I let this be?
For a slightly more detailed version of something similar, check out her RAIN meditations.
2. Solidarity Forever - Relief In Collective Action & Singing
I have a (wonderful) group of coach colleagues who I meet with weekly online - we originally met when studying Internal Family Systems together. The rest of the group lives in the US, so when I heard the election result on Wednesday morning, I thought of them. I sent this note in an email, and thanks to their encouragement, I decided to share it here as well:
Hearing the election result, and the cascade of feelings afterwards, made me think about solidarity and the song Solidarity Forever. So I thought I'd search for a video of a choir singing it, that I could feel connected to and sing along with.
To my surprise there was a recording of a choir in Cardiff that I was briefly in as a student (Côr Cochion - they rehearsed in one of the philosophy rooms and you could just show up - I think one/some of the choir members were lecturers - and all apart from my housemate and me were grey haired and knew the songs mostly off by heart). *Edit - since re-watching the video (which is from a while later), I realise that they weren’t as grey-haired as they seemed to me, aged 22!
Anyway, I didn't last long in the choir because even reading off a song sheet was difficult - they sang in various languages, which are difficult to read correctly if you haven't learnt them (eg Welsh and Gaelic - the vowel sounds are different so it's a bit conspicuous when you're trying to sing rousingly and then realise you can't actually read!).
But they were a spirited bunch and I thought it would be fun to share with you, as a reminder of solidarity, connectedness and hope around the world (and no pressure if you are not open to that right now!). And you don't have to be the biggest or shiniest choir to create inspiration! (For me at least).
Enjoy having a sing along, if you’re that way inclined!
It’s always so lovely hearing your thoughts on these posts so please do share - either in the comments, or by email. Sending solidarity and appreciation your way!