Life Happens In The Spaces

Have you ever tried to listen deeply to someone, without uttering a sound in response?  

Fear Of Silence?

Back in 2015, that was the task that my classmates and I were given, to help us build foundational counselling skills.  Recently, that memory has been coming back to mind as I remember just how valuable it is to be able to listen and create space for someone to be heard - not jumping in straight away to respond.

Back in 2015, it was week one of a psychotherapy & counselling course.  Each week, we would focus on a different theoretical approach (psychodynamic, person-centred, gestalt, CBT etc), and would practise counselling each other using principles from what we had learnt. For the practical session in week one, our task was to listen without speaking.  

We would each take a turn to listen intently to our partner for 5 minutes straight, while saying absolutely nothing.  The idea of this felt so threatening and uncomfortable - how could we show that we were listening - that we were interested, that we cared - without speaking?

But this activity was a revelation.  There was some initial awkwardness to it, for sure, but overall it was amazing how freely the ‘clients’ found themselves speaking, in the absence of verbal responses from the listener.  Where we had feared that silence might communicate disinterest or lack of compassion, it did the opposite - the clients had open space in which to let their thoughts expand to fruition, and their emotions to come up, unhindered.

RuPaul & The Artistry of Silences

Back to present day, and I was watching an episode of RuPaul’s Drag Race (US), where the queens had been tasked with improvising with a partner around an art installation they’d created together.  One of the queens received feedback that she had overpowered her partner, talking too much and not leaving space for things to percolate and land.  I loved what RuPaul said in summing up his feedback - which I incorrectly remembered as ‘life happens in the silences’ (inspiration for this post), but which, on checking just now, I see was actually this: 

‘All the good parts in life are actually in the silent parts - that’s what allows the funny bits to happen.’  - Rupaul Charles

While this was referring to performance skills, I wonder what transferable truths it might have for us, thinking about the potential impact of silence and space in our own lives.  How often do we have a moment of pause between one activity and the next?

Photo by Yeshi Kangrang on Unsplash

‘Life happens in the silences.’ - Me

Photo by Jordan McDonald on Unsplash

In the days after this, I was at a meeting for a freelance role I do, supporting other coaches’ development (we work with GP teams in North-East London, helping them to create space to think, collaborate and improve).  We were discussing how different coaches have different levels of comfort with holding space (i.e. silence) with a group, allowing people to think, and allowing emotions to come out.  It’s something that I occasionally take for granted because it is so central to the work that I do.  Remembering how not-easy this is, took me to reflecting on how I built up that skill, and remembering that exercise from the course.

The Power Of Silence

Getting over that fear of silence is so liberating, both for the speaker and the listener.  

As a listener, it frees you from preoccupation around what you need to say next.  Suddenly your only task is to listen - and I say ‘only’, but let’s be real about this: true listening requires a great deal of attention.  Freeing yourself from the pressure of working out what to say next enables you to dive into the deeper levels of listening - moving away from ‘listening to respond’ and deeper into truly understanding the underlying meaning of what is being expressed.  

As a speaker, when you are being listened to uninterrupted, your attention (like the listener’s) can be completely on your train of thought, the new connections coming to your mind, and the feelings that come up as you explore these ideas.  You are freed from navigating the listener’s priorities, expressed via their interjections and responses, and enabled to sit with your thoughts as they expand into the space, leading you into deeper understanding.

Embrace The Silences - Breaking Bad News

During a certain part of the academic year, I do about one day a month facilitating small groups of medical students learning the challenging skill of breaking bad news.  It’s always a heavy-going and highly rewarding day, where the students’ emotional development is something really beautiful to witness.  We work with actors who the students practise speaking with, in scenarios where they have to share potentially life-changing and devastating news.

At the end of each day of training, we ask students to share what new insights they are taking away. Every time - without exception - at least one student (in groups of 6-7) will share about the power of silence.  Earlier in the day, we will have discussed some people’s discomfort and fear around silence - what if it feels awkward?  What if I don’t know what to say?  How will the other person know I care if I’m not talking?  Then, through experiencing it, noticing what it feels like, and getting feedback from the actors and observers, it becomes clear: Silence can be a powerful tool for communicating empathy.

Of course, it’s worth pointing out that there are different types of silences.  A silence where you are feeling disengaged, disinterested, distracted or rushed, will come across as exactly that (which I’ve rarely, if ever, observed in these well-intended folks).  But if your focus is on the other person, on noticing whether they are wanting to speak or wanting time to process, and on appreciating what kinds of emotions they seem to be experiencing, then that silence can communicate deep care and attention.

And What About Our Internal Worlds?

Now I’m wondering how these insights might help us in terms of how we relate to ourselves.  How much of the time do we allow ourselves space between one experience and the next?  

I’ve mentioned before how powerful I have found it going on mindful self-compassion retreats.  One thing that makes these so powerful is the way they introduce the habit of ‘landing’ in a space before engaging in any particular activity.  So rather than rushing from one thing to the next, you take a few breaths, notice how your body feels and what emotions are present.  

It may not seem like a big deal, but creating those pauses - those moments to tune in and digest our experience - creates a whole new state of mind where you are more grounded, able to access compassion, perspective, and so on.  (In IFS* terms, this would be described as being more in ‘Self’, but more on this another day!)

So I wonder if we can harness these insights as inspiration to create more space in our daily lives.  More opportunities to ‘be’, rather than ‘do’.  To sit in presence, come back to our bodies (from our busy thoughts and ‘to do’s), and to tune into ourselves with a kind awareness.  I know that I need constant reminders to do this, myself.

I’ll end with the learning points shared by some of the medical students from this academic year, to let us percolate on how we can bring this wisdom into our own lives more (they were referring to interactions with another, but what if we also use this in relation to ourselves?) - 

‘Embrace the silences’

‘Allow people time to process, and be guided by them’

‘Pause more’.

Photo by Melissa Askew on Unsplash

*IFS stands for Internal Family Systems - a model of therapy that I’m currently doing CPD in, as a coach.

To aid in the percolation process, and to share inspiration with each other, it would be so lovely to hear your ideas in the comments.  Including but not limited to…

• One thing you can commit to doing (or not doing) to create more pause for yourself.

• Things that get in the way of creating space for yourself and how you handle that.

• Anything that really clicked from the post, or other insights or ponderings.