3 Steps To Update Your Inner Critic & Cultivate Self-Compassion
I wrote the first version of this back in 2020, and have spruced it up to share here on Substack. I'd love to hear your thoughts in the comments, and check out linkin.bio/miriamfine for more!
Whether we’re aware of it or not, we all have an inner critic. That’s the little voice or niggle that comes out from time to time, telling us what we’re doing wrong, or telling us what we ‘should’ do.
It comes out more when we’re stressed, anxious, or overwhelmed (annoyingly, since it’s really the last thing we need at that point).
Who is your inner critic? Why is it there?
Well, people use lots of different analogies or images to help them visualise their inner critic (like RuPaul’s ‘Inner Sabateur’), and here’s what makes sense to me.
It’s founded on the psychology of Transactional Analysis.
Our inner critic starts developing when we’re very young, and it has good intentions – it’s trying to keep us safe (but not always getting it right).
When we’re little, we notice what adults do when there is danger, like telling us not to run out into the road, or a whole load of other (often very important) ‘shoulds’ and ‘musts’.
When we feel threatened ourselves, we try to replicate that, by telling ourselves what we ‘should’ do.
Unfortunately, that often comes along with feelings of blame and shame if we are not meeting those standards.
(Image: "Child in Rocker with Doll" by anyjazz65 )
Heap on top of that all the ‘shoulds’ and ‘musts’ we internalise in terms of society’s norms, pressures and oppressions, or from people who have spoken to us blamingly in the past, and you’re left with a web of judgment and shame, attacking you from inside your own head.
This happens mostly unconsciously, meaning that we’re not aware of it. We’re not actively deciding to react this way, it’s just where our brains default to.
[Sidenote - I always think back to the image of our minds being like icebergs - the conscious mind is like the tip of the iceberg, but so much more of what we do is governed by our unconscious minds - hidden like the rest of the iceberg, beneath the water’s surface.]
Why are system updates required for the inner critic?
(Image: "System Update" by bovinity )
Since our inner critics have been brewing in our unconscious minds since childhood, and we don’t necessarily bring them into conscious awareness, there are not many opportunities for system updates over the years.
So, when our inner critic comes out in adulthood, it is essentially the voice of a child pretending to be an adult. It’s working hard to try to protect us when we feel threatened, but is often off the mark.
It may tell us that there is something wrong with us, or that situations are threatening, when this is totally not applicable to our present-day reality.
In other words, it comes out and undermines our confidence when that’s the last thing that we need.
So how do we go about creating those system updates?
How do we calm our inner critics and bring them on board with present-day reality?
Essentially, it’s a process of noticing, soothing the upset that set the critic off in the first place, and kindly challenging the false narratives that the critic has thrown in. Remember, the critic is a misguided part of you that needs to be calmed (rather than an enemy to attack or shut down).
(This process of tuning in [mindfulness], challenging narratives that suggest there’s something wrong with us [recognising our common humanity - we are human, experiencing normal human feelings and stresses just like others do] and self-kindess, represent the three components of Mindful Self-Compassion.)
(Image: "Meditate" by RelaxingMusic )
Step1: Notice
The first step is noticing.
The inner critic can only take over as long as we are unaware of it.
Once we start paying attention to it, we bring ourselves back to our present-day Adult state of mind, where we have plenty of resources at our fingertips to use to challenge our faulty thinking (though it’s not necessarily that easy).
We might do this by making an effort to notice how we speak about ourselves to others.
We can do it by writing down our thoughts.
We can do it by taking moments of reflection or meditation, where we pay attention to the thoughts coming to our minds, and notice anything we might be saying about ourselves.
Sometimes your thoughts might not be obvious to you, but by tuning into your bodily sensations and your emotions, you can gently explore and identify what thoughts, perceptions and beliefs are going on alongside these. Working with someone, like a therapist, can be really helpful to do this exploration.
Creating a regular practice of noticing – whether that be through therapy, coaching, journaling or meditating (or even simply pausing and asking yourself ‘what am I feeling and thinking right now?’) – makes it easier to tune in and pick up when the inner critic is chiming in. The first time may be tricky, but the more you practice it, the easier it will get.
(The more I practice this, the more things I've begun to recognise as phrases of the critic, who represents an anxious part of myself. A recent addition being the ‘what if…[I fail/something bad happens]’ category.)
Step 2: Challenge
The second step is challenging the critical thoughts. Are they fair? Are you holding yourself to a reasonable standard, or are you, for example, creating a ‘perfect’ ideal that you expect yourself to achieve?
(Image: "Scales of Justice - Frankfurt Version" by mikecogh)
Even if the standard is reasonable, are you applying it to yourself in a way that is supportive and encouraging, or are you belittling or shaming yourself in the process (see below for more on this - but spoiler: shaming yourself does not lead to better outcomes).
Would you consider the same comments to be acceptable or helpful if you were saying them to a loved one when they were stressed out?
Even if the thoughts seem reasonable at first, you might find yourself gradually loosening your grip on those ‘shoulds’ and ‘musts’ and moving towards a kinder way of speaking to yourself.
**A Note on Judgment & Shame**
Note: There is a subtle but significant difference between encouragement to aspire to high standards, and toxic perfectionism or judgmental critique (and in this context, perfectionism means not only wanting to perform well, but attaching your worth to your performance - so you feel not good enough if you don’t achieve what you wanted).
You can encourage yourself without casting judgment. Statements like ‘I can do better than that next time’ or ‘this is my responsibility, I need to work out how to improve on this’ are examples of being encouraging without introducing judgment (judgment being that element of labelling a person or action as being intrinsically good or bad.)
When judgment is introduced (i.e. when the inner critic creeps in), you’ll see that rather than just making a neutral comment about what action you want to take, the comment has a slant which leads you to feel guilty (‘I did something bad’) or ashamed (‘I am bad’) which is painful and hugely unhelpful (and widespread - most of us do this more than we realise).
Some people think that you need to be shamed into action, whereas shame is actually inversely correlated with accountability (so if you feel shame, you’re less likely to take responsibility and take action), as Brené Brown explains in this video.
Step 3: Compassion
The third step is to generate a nurturing, supportive response, that you can start saying to yourself to replace the critical words.
What would you say to a loved one if you knew they really needed support? What can you say to yourself that is fair, gentle and compassionate? (And that feels like your own genuine words and not something that makes you cringe).
(Image: "Friendship" by Iguanasan)
Once you have worked this out, you can start practicing this process of noticing your thoughts, reality-checking them, and replacing them with a more supportive response.
Practice is important, since our minds will default to the automatic reactions they are used to, unless we start building new mind habits that gradually become the new default (see my other blog post on that).
RAIN Process (Self-Compassion Exercise)
Mindful self-compassion teacher Tara Brach teaches the RAIN process to help us practice becoming self-compassionate. This asks us to:
R - Recognise our feelings and thoughts without judging them.
A - Allow these feelings and thoughts to be there. Allowing is important. It prevents us from suppressing emotions, which leads to getting stuck in them.
I - Investigate what might be causing them- ask yourself ‘what’s going on for me at the moment?’
N - Nurture ourselves – responding to ourselves with the same supportive words we would use to respond to a close friend. Using compassion with ourselves can allow us to acknowledge feelings and free ourselves from the fear that acknowledging them will lead to greater harm. Often, feelings are much more threatening when they are unexpressed, and finding a way to acknowledge them can create a great sense of release.
Image: Rain Room by Alexandermcnabb
In building a self-compassion practice, choose something that works for you, and that is achievable on a regular basis. Check out ideas (along with the evidence base for them) here.
And beware of falling into the (this is meta, wait for it) trap of becoming self-critical about being self-critical. (i.e. If you’ve learnt all about the inner critic, you’re trying not to be self-critical, then realise you have done it again and think ‘gah I’m such a failure at being self-compassionate!’). All of this is a normal response to stress and it’s natural to find it frustrating when we slip into unhelpful patterns. The more we can give ourselves some grace and some leeway to be human, get it wrong, learn something and try again, the better! Each time of noticing what has happened is a success - it represents a developing awareness that will serve us well the next time a similar challenge arises.
What resonated with you from this post? What questions came to mind? What have you tried before, and what worked or didn’t work for you? Share it all in the comments!